If you knew me in 2016 then you would know I was obsessed with a little musical called Hamilton. Four years and a Disney Plus film later and that obsession has never really died. A character I love is King George III and although he only makes 3 major appearances in the show, his moments are my favorite. Not only is the King hilarious, he also asks the important questions following important events in the plot. If my life were a musical, King George III would be coming onto the stage right about now.
I have been home for 5 months. I finished my semester virtually and, to my surprise, made the Dean's list. I have worked as a babysitter after my plans for working at a local summer camp got cancelled. I go swimming at my neighborhood pool almost every day and I have been taking plenty of hiking trips with my dad. I have spent time teaching myself new skills like macrame and jewelry making. I have also felt the most alone and isolated I have in a long time. My body image has been warped and I have been obsessed with getting my steps in and eating healthy. I feel guilt for not calling my friends more, while simultaneously yearning to be social. I try to keep in touch, but Zoom calls and HouseParty make my very anxious. I have been taking a lot more naps. When I get really frustrated I take a nap and wake up feeling a lot better. As you can predict, this prevents me from falling asleep at night so I stay up all night, and spend a lot of that time worrying.
My university has made the decision to open in the fall. So naturally this has me thinking "what comes next?". In the musical, King George III asks this question directly following the Battle of Yorktown. While we did not necessarily fight in a war, I think it is safe to say that in the past few months the world has turned upside down. While places such as gyms and restaurants are reopening, we are not returning to life as we know it overnight. Elbow taps have become the new side hug. Church has turned into worshipping to a pre-recorded track on Zoom. I finished my sophomore year of college in my dorm room. In normal circumstances, I could tell you what comes next: I move into my new apartment, reunite my friends, start working at my two jobs, volunteer, student teach and go to class. But these are not normal circumstances.
A few months ago my therapist introduced me to a concept called "radical change". Radical change is the act of accepting what you can't change. This is a process, a constant renewal. I do no know what the next few weeks of my life will look like. I do not know what my semester will look like. I don't have any security that the semester will remain in person. I don't have any events to plan for. As much as I had to admit it,
I have learned a lot about myself over quarantine. One thing I have learned is how important control is to my happiness. You can only imagine what kind of challenges that present during this time. For so long I have held so tight onto my control. I thought the center of my reality was planning and control. I have holding so tight onto my control that I have lost what it means to adapt. I can write about living in a new normal all I want, but the reality was I was trying to fit my need for control into this new reality. Much like trying to fit my size 12 feet into the beautiful pair of size 10 heels from the DSW sale wreck, this need for control was fruitless and- although I hate to admit it - painful. The times are changing and I want to too, slowly but surely.
learning to lessen my grip,
Sabrina
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