leading with grace

"Do you want me to give you advice or would you like me to just listen"

My friend asked this at a coffeeshop last week while I was telling her about a stressful situation I was in. The answer-- I needed advice. As someone with anxiety, I like to think of every possible situation to a scenario before it happens. I had another friend recently explain anxiety to me like this, "anxiety is an anticipatory disease because it wants you to predict every possible outcome in order to prepare for it, even if those outcomes are out of control." And this situation was way out of my control. My friends advice was simple-if I have done everything in my control to help the situation and it still does not change, that is ok. In this case, the ball was no longer in my court and I had to let go. Once I let go, I felt this sense of relief. I was no longer holding myself to an unrealistic standard. I realized I wanted to treat myself how I strive to treat others-- with grace.

For the past few years as I have been struggling with chronic illness, I learned to be patient with people and give them grace. I cannot expect them to understand the struggle of having a chronic illness if they have never experienced it themselves. Honestly, I expect them to make mistakes because that is part of the learning process. It can be tempting to get frustrated with someone when they don't understand my experience, but then I think of all the times I have been granted grace while I am learning (which is always because learning is a lifelong process). Something, I get frustrated with is when people give me advice about my health rather than listening. It's not that I don't appreciate the advice, it is just that when I am telling someone about my illness is because I want support. For me that support looks like listening, but if I don't communicate that, how do I expect people to respect that boundary?

I need to give people this grace because when people are trying to understand your experience through the lens of their own. I have even done this myself. Last week I was in the car with a friend and she was telling me how frustrated she was about not getting answers about symptoms that she was experiencing. I immediately wanted to give her advice; "oh you should go to a neurologist because that's what I did..." Then I stopped myself. What my friend needed in this moment was not advice, it was someone to listen. I believe that God put me in the car with my friend in that moment to be a source of comfort. As someone who has experienced what she has, I have a sense of understanding that allows for greater empathy. However, what would not be comforting is telling her what to do and giving her unsolicited medical advice.

Later that day in class, I participated in an active listening activity. In this activity we were not able to interject our experience or give advice unless prompted. This was such an interesting experience for me because I realized that active listening was just simple that-- listening, being present and asking questions to greater your understanding of the other person's experience. So, yes, it frustrating when others try to impose their opinions on you unprompted, but that is their way of making sense of your experience through their lens. Instead of getting frustrated, I want to be able to redirect their desire to understand my experience through a different mode. "Thank you for your advice. I appreciate your willingness to support me in my time of need. I prefer to be supported through having someone there to listen and I would be willing to answer any questions you may have."

Here's to leading with grace,

Sabrina