“Thomas Edison's last words were "It's very beautiful over there". I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.”-- John Green, Looking for Alaska
It's funny how we don’t know what the “over there'' is, yet we always assume it is more beautiful than where we are. After 4 ½ years of struggling for a diagnosis, I thought I can’t wait until I have validation, I can’t wait until I know the truth. Well, now I know the truth, and it isn’t as beautiful as I thought it was going to be. The truth is-- there is no quick fix for chronic illness. I knew this but still I was holding onto some bit of hope that a diagnosis would fix everything. With an illness without a cure, this is impossible.
There were some truths I know going into my diagnosis-- this will significantly change my day-to-day life, future, career, travel plans, etc. However, it will also give me clarity and a sense of community. This has brought me absolute joy throughout the hardship. But, there are also some truths that I never could have anticipated.
Recently I have learned that with chronic illness, half the battle is learning how to cope mentally. Am I a burden to others? What will they think of me if I cancel again? How do I set this boundary with my friend? A habit I have to continually fight is people pleasing to the point of burning myself out. My habit of pleasing people is directly linked to my need for control. I want to be in control over who exits and enters my life. The truth is that no matter how much I strive to please others I cannot control their actions, and I am slowly learning to realize that that is ok.
There will be people who will think you are faking it for attention. There will be people who will not agree with the boundaries you set. There will be people who will find your condition too burdensome. There will be people who will find your condition annoying. My people pleasing nature tells me to control this. If they get annoyed at me for cancelling plans, I’ll push myself and go even if I am not feeling well. If they don’t like the boundary I set, I will just not set it. This is not healthy. (Future Sabrina, if you are reading this, repeat after me-- this is not healthy.)
What I have learned is that beauty I was searching for is not simply found in the diagnosis. While a diagnosis brought a source of comfort, it also brought pain, hurt, anxiety and loneliness. True beauty is found in embracing your current support system. True beauty is in self growth-- learning to set boundaries, learning to have tough conversations, learning to stick up for your needs. Beauty is not found in what could have been or what will be “over there,” but in what currently is over here.
Sabrina
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