"I need time to process"
this is something that i've had to say at many different points in my life.
when my best friend in sixth grade told me she was going to be transferring schools, I needed time to process. When I got into my dream school but even with scholarship it was too much to pay for, I needed time to process. When I was told I was going to have to live an entirely new lifestyle to accommodate my chronic illness, I needed time to process.
Change is not something that is new to me. In the 2 years of my time in college, I have moved 8 hours away, developed chronic illness that changed my daily routine, joined new activities, and made new friends. The thing I have found about change is only feels good when you have control over it. Changing my major to Special Education, that felt good. Being told I would have to move dorms, that did not feel good. Deciding to get a new job as a tutor, that felt good. Moving out of my dorm and saying goodbye to my friends with only 3 hours notice, that did not feel good. As much as I want to be in control of the events in my life, I can't. No one can. If anyone had a say in what was happening in their lives, we would not be experiencing a global pandemic.
Recently, I've been experiencing what I am going to dub "change fatigue". Essentially, I have been numbed by change. My mom was sent to the hospital due to severe stomach pain the day I was sent home from school in March. I was a t a friends house and wanted to rush to the emergency room but couldn't since they were allowing only one person at a time into the hospital. I felt like I should have cried, but I couldn't. It didn't feel real. Even the next day, it didn't hit me when I was able to visit her in the hospital. Then I found out my state was going on lockdown. I was in Starbucks with my friend and I saw the workers getting ready to shut down the store, but it didn't feel real. Today, I got some news that I feel like should have hit pretty hard. I felt, again, almost guilty for not crying. I was told over a phone call. I didn't ask questions. I didn't feel sad, mad or angry. I just felt numb.
It's funny how I always find my self needing time to process. Now that I have all the time in the world to process, I suddenly can't.
We will come out on the other side of this. We will be broken, we will be hurt, but we will be so much stronger.
Sabrina
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